Avid Editor's Insights

Gitmo Detainees Finding New Homes In America

Posted by DJM on May 30, 2009

The Obama Administration is preparing for the Gitmo Detainees’ imminent release into the United States.

You can apply to host your very own Islamic fundamentalist in your home by registering HERE.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter of concern about the treatment of the Taliban and al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This Administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him “Al”) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed’s meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be “one-handed” foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) – but look on the bright side… no increase in the toilet paper bill!

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill.

Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn’t been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage: “Does not play well with others.”

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his “attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q’uran.

Oh, and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren’t more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.

Don’t be concerned that we have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. We’re really there just to make sure you’re doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right? Change and hope.

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry.

You take good care of Ahmed – and remember….we’ll be watching.

Cordially,
President Barack Hussein Obama

One Response to “Gitmo Detainees Finding New Homes In America”

  1. elyakatz said

    BS”D

    Stop the world. I’m getting off.

    Oy. Since my elected representatives have decided what I think no longer matters,I guess I’ll just raid the fridge for another piece of cheesecake, and numb my brain with another idiotic Hollywood movie, and try to scrape together enough money to pay my bills one more month.

    America’s voice 2009

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